Lord Corwin / Holly and Sir Valron / Ivey
Welcome you to
Firm But Fair
Have a question? Need advice? Just want to talk to someone who has been involved in D.D. for awhile? Well you are in the right place. Here you can post confidentual email questions and get answers from a panel of couples that have been involved in a D.D. lifestyle for awhile. You will receive an answer from each panel member. From these answers take what you need and leave the rest. It is however Important to remember that this is NOT a site advocating violence or abuse of any kind. Only loving discipline that brings relationships closer together. Domestic Discipline is a lifestyle that asks men to see their women for what they are loving gifts, and women to trust their men enough to give the ultimate gift of submission.
Email us your questions, click above.
We also want to offer, other services for you, and you soul mate.
|Tips for rule lists:
1) always respect each other
2) choose a few rules at first
3) make the rules matter to both of you
(please be paitent much more to come. Feel free to begin to email questions.)
Domestic Discipline: An Act of Love or Is It Abuse?
In todays changing world, it is not unusual to see things going backwards into the ways of the past. Many people are bucking against the rush of the new technology and new ways of doing things. Some find that the old ways are simpler and better suited for their lives. This is true in the workings of the modern marriage. The rising divorce rate has scared many couples and they are looking for a way to avoid this pitfall. They are going back to the traditional ways of their parents or grandparents. For many women this is a rebellion against the force of womens liberation. They are forced to work outside the home, be responsible for major corporate decisions, and have control over many workers. However, once they get home, they want to throw off the corporate veil and become June Cleaver once again. They want their husbands to play the role of Ward Cleaver and be the head of the household. They want the security that Lucy Ricardo had with Ricky. They want to know that it is all right to make mistakes, and that their husbands will fix it for them, no matter what. They need to feel loved and cherished, and forgiven when they err.
To achieve this life, many are going back into what is known as the traditional marriage, and adding a new element known as Domestic Discipline, or DD for short. They take on the submissive role and look to their husbands as the head of the household. They defer all decisions to him, and ask him to hold them accountable for their errors and lapses. They want a definite set of rules, and boundaries within which to live. They want his correction when they step outside these boundaries or break these rules. They ask him to punish, then forgive and forget.
The best thing about this type of relationship is that it opens up the doors to communication and trust. These couples spend many hours in open, honest, and heart-felt communication. They learn to trust one another explicitly. They see it as a way of avoiding problems that could lead to a divorce. Couples who engage in this lifestyle choice say it brings them closer together, and they reap the benefits of greater intimacy as a result.
So what exactly is this lifestyle, and what does it entail? The name Domestic Discipline pretty much says it all. It is a disciplined lifestyle within the home, with the husband as the head of the household and major decision-maker. The wife submits to this leadership, and surrenders to discipline when she falls short of the expectations he has set for her. The twist to all this is the way in which the discipline is meted out. For most couples, this involves corporal punishment. This is not something new. In fact, it is as old as time itself. Many religions strongly advocate corporal punishment, or spanking, of the wife. Muslims have always done it, Mormons regularly practice it, and even many charismatic Protestant religions advocate it.1 It is a commonplace practice with many Native American tribes, and many cultures all over the world. Now it is moving away from the religious sphere and into the homes of people from every country and all walks of life. 2
What brought about this leap to the past? Part of it could be the wealth of older TV shows and movies available on cable and dish TV, and also on video collections.3 There are at least four episodes of I Love Lucy in which Lucy is put across Rickys knee and spanked for something. John Wayne spanked a young lady in the movie McLintock. And who can forget Elvis Presley spanking the young girl in Blue Hawaii?4 These movies and shows all portray the strong man in the role of leadership, and give the woman a feeling of security. Women today find themselves craving this security and intimacy with the men in their lives. Women who engage in this lifestyle are tired of having to be constantly in the role of leadership and control. They enjoy being able to be the little girl again and letting someone else take on the role of their leader. By embracing this lifestyle, they realize the safety, security, and love they had with their fathers when they were young. They realize that their husband cares enough about them to correct them, and wants improved harmony and communication in the marriage.
The Internet has a wealth of information on the subject. There are many web sites advocating it, and numerous e-groups dedicated to the subject. The majority of the posters on the e-groups come from the United States, England, and Australia. The posts all seem to echo the same sentiments safety, security, trust, communication, and intimacy. Many say it is the one thing that saved their marriage. These women claim to have been control freaks, and were making mice out of their men.
Take a look at the marriage of Robert and Cindy. Cindy is a control freak and has quite a violent temper. They have been married for over fifteen years and have three children. Cindy was well known for temper tantrums. Many times, when she didnt get her way, she would throw things at Robert. These items ranged from dishes to shoes to books to food, and included dishes full of hot food on numerous occasions. Robert was ready to divorce Cindy and sue for sole custody of the children. A close friend told Robert that what Cindy needed was a good old-fashioned, over-the-knee spanking. Robert agreed, and approached Cindy with the idea. She was appalled at first, but told Robert if he thought he could do it, then go ahead. Cindy had no idea he would carry through with his threat, but Robert did indeed carry through. The change it brought about in Cindys behavior was miraculous. The couple decided to embark on a new adventure and make DD a regular part of their lives. Since then, Cindy has learned to control her temper, and there are no longer identified objects flying through their home. Food is now eaten instead of tossed. The children have calmed down and the home is happy for the first time in fifteen years. No longer is Robert talking of divorce, but rather making plans for the future with Cindy. The best part is that Cindy claims to be truly happy and secure for the first time in her life.5
Robert and Cindy are not an isolated case. The e-groups are full of many couples just like this one. These couples have jobs in literally every field. One e-group on Yahooİ is called Love_Spanksİ, and is run by a psychologist who regularly practices DD with his wife. A school teacher and short story writer, also on Yahooİ, runs D_D Forumİ. He also regularly spanks his wife for breaking rules that the two of them wrote to make their home run smoother. Some of the posters are lawyers, some are doctors, and others are white- and blue-collar workers. The list goes on and on.
The one thing that makes this work is that the couples consent to these rules and write them together. They see it as a way of improving not only their marriage, but their individual selves as well. Some couples even go so far as to draw up a contract spelling things out in clear, concise terms. While these contracts are not legally binding, they are morally binding to the couple.
One of the fringe benefits of this lifestyle as reported by the practitioners of it is an increased intimacy and a greatly improved sex life. The women report that they have greater respect for their husbands, and as a result find their mate far more attractive.
The Internet is not the only place where this lifestyle can be found. Numerous books have been written on the subject as well. One of the best known is The Surrendered Wife written by Laura Doyle. While Ms. Doyle doesnt promote the discipline aspect of this lifestyle, she definitely does support the submission of the wife to the husband in all things. She says to defer to his judgment in all things, no matter what. Some of her suggestions go from the sublime to the ridiculous, though. According to Ms. Doyle, even if he misses the exit on the freeway, and you are 100 miles or more past your destination, and have crossed state lines, the woman is to remain quiet and let her husband figure it out for himself.6 While she may see this as submission and respect, there are others who will see it as pure stupidity.
Along with all the supporters, there are a number of people who see this as advocating domestic violence. These writers feel that any time a man strikes a woman, it is abuse. To know for sure, one must turn to the state laws to make the call. According to the Kentucky Revised Statutes, it is not abuse if it is consensual.7 Furthermore, if placed in the context of deviant sex practices, since it is between husband and wife, it is within the limits of the law.8 Women who practice this lifestyle say they do not see it as abuse. The only area that is ever struck is their bottom, and they claim it is done as an act of love and leadership. Also, the husbands take care not to bruise or mark their wives body in any way, and say they never spank out of anger. Before every spanking, there is communication about the reason for the punishment, and the wife must agree that she is deserving of the correction. Most also report that after a punishment session, they spend time cuddling with their mate, and this leaves them feeling forgiven and secure in his love. Thus, the act is consensual, and thereby gets around the abuse issue.
While this lifestyle is not for everyone, those who practice Domestic Discipline claim that it has changed their lives. They report increased harmony and happiness in their home, and they state that their marriage is much stronger as a result. The emotional benefits far outweigh the pain of a spanking and the burden of guilt for having done something wrong and having no way of knowing forgiveness. They see it not as an act of violence or abuse, but rather as an expression of love. They see it as an alternative to divorce and unhappiness. To them, it is a return to the simpler ways of the past while still reaping the fruits of the womens movement. It is a choice they make. They can have their cake and eat it too. Not many things today allow that luxury.
5. Personal Interview via MSN Messenger October 12, 2001
6. Doyle, Laura, The Surrendered Wife, Fireside, New York, 1999, page 35.
7. Kentucky Revised Statutes Chapter 508
8. Kentucky Revised Statutes Chapter 510 Bibliography
Information on Domestic Violence: A Project of the Texas Council on Family Violence.
We would like to offer discipline contract templates. Something more personal may be available upon request through email, to this site
__________________ and ___________________
I, ______________________, do hereby acknowledge that from this day on, it is my wish to have my conduct regulated by my husband, ________________. I give to my husband the full right and permission to punish me whenever he feels such discipline would be helpful and be in accordance with our agreements previously entered into.
This agreement has been entered into willingly and for no other purpose than to improve my life and secure the general benefit that always comes from the enforcement of intelligent discipline. I understand that I will be punished without fail if I breach any part of contracts and agreements we have already entered into.
I promise to cooperate fully and faithfully with my husband. I will get ready for the punishment promptly when asked to do so, and I will bear him absolutely no ill will for so disciplining me.
I promise further to ask for discipline when I feel I need it. I realize that such requests play a highly important part in my growth, and I will ask for the discipline when I feel I need or deserve it.
This agreement is entered into on this _____ day of ______________, 20___ by:
I, ______________________, husband of ___________________, do hereby promise and agree to discipline my wife whenever I feel that such discipline would prove helpful to her. For my wifes own good, I promise to discipline her without fail whenever her conduct warrants it.
This agreement is entered into on this _____ day of _______________ 20___ by:
Stories and Submissions
Please feel free to submit any stories or personal experience related to D.D.
I see submission as a unique and very personal gift. It is the gift of myself to you - heart, mind, body, and soul. I can give it to
only one person and I have chosen to give it to you.
This gift means several things. First, it means that I love you. I share my most intimate thoughts, actions and feelings with you and you alone. I am secure enough in our love to be able to expose my most vulnerable side to you and know you will protect it. I also know that no matter if I fail, you will still love me unconditionally. That love provides security.
Second, it means that I trust you. I know that you will never harm me, nor will you allow harm to befall me in any way. I feel safe when I submit to you and that safety provides security.
Third, it means total honesty between us. I know you will always be honest with me and I have nothing to fear by being honest with you. This open honesty allows me the security of depending on you and knowing you can depend on me as well. There is a lot of security in being able to take someone at their word.
There - I said it again. Security. Yes, I feel secure with my submission. Yes, it screams out codependency, but there is nothing wrong with this. Love itself demands it. Yet at the same time, it grants freedom. I'm free to be me, free to love you to the best of my ability, free to take you at your word and free to be honest with myself.
This freedom provides me with the most security I can possibly imagine. So, with your permission, I will remain in love with you, codependent with you, honest, trusting, trustworthy and free. In other words, I'll cherish my security.
traditional marriage domestic discipline submission spanking firm but fair lord corwin sir valron ivey holly D.D.